Bloody Knives is often presented as “industrial shoegaze,” but that description isn’t quite right. Shoegaze was built on shy, passive performances and “swirling guitars.” Bloody Knives ain’t got none of that. This is a long-haired rock band from Austin, Texas without a single six-string guitar. The three band members play drums, bass and synthesizer. This mixture creates a thick bliss: It’s a combination of pretty distortion, eight-bit glitch and melody, backed by heavy stoner rock thumping. Constant touring has spread the band’s reputation as a thunderous live act; check it out with local openers Bug Chaser, Tone Rodent and Trauma Harness.
Go If: You want your 1988 My Bloody Valentine to rock like 1992 Kyuss.

• link: Riverfront Times
• link: Bloody Knives

​The Rams may not be taking the field on Sunday at Super Bowl XLVI, but someone from St. Louis will be: Nick Smarrelli, chief operating officer at St. Louis IT firm GadellNet Consulting Services. He’ll be helping to escort Madonna on the field for her halftime show, as reported yesterday in an article in the St. Louis Business Journal.

With exactly one minute of Facebook stalking we learned a bunch about Smarrelli. He was married a few years ago, he does a bunch of traveling (Tibet, Australia, Jamaica, Lake Tahoe) and he has cute dog named Cooper. He seems swell and he has a very nice smile. We’re glad we have a man on the inside and we want all of the juicy details when he comes home. (Was Madonna a bitch? Yes? In the good way or in the bad way? And seriously, how was her face without HD-ready makeup?)

For those of us who know not one darn thing about football, halftime is the best time. It’s our chance to get excited about what’s on the big screen. But the Super Bowl executives have an unreliable history when choosing the entertainment. It seems to be a crapshoot, really.

I thought that Prince would be the peak of halftime performances, but he was followed with a rad Tom Petty show. And after Petty came that panty-dropping performance from Bruce Springsteen. Damn. But then after Springsteen was a just-okay performance from the Who. And then the worst came last year we were forced to endure that total barf-fest from the Black Eyed Peas. (*Shudder*)

But even if Madonna’s controversial appearance blows or Smarrelli breaks a leg (literally) we will still have Dan Connolly to represent us. Connolly is a native St. Louisan, a full-time awesome dude and a player for the Patriots. Connolly set some kind of fancy football record last season, and this year he’s a starting lineman for New England. And before you ask that all-important STL question, we will tell you that Connolly went to Marquette High School. Way to rep that Marquette Mustang, Dan.

Who else from St. Louis is going to be a part of the Super Bowl?

• link: Riverfront Times

photo by Kevin Abosch

Sinéad O’Connor’s Marriage Saga Continues: Totally Into Crack, But Not Crack Rock
By Jaime Lees
Mon., Jan. 9 2012 at 6:08 AM

​Sinéad O’Connor’s sex life has been a source of endless entertainment recently. A few months ago, we told you about her deviant behavior: she was using her website as her own dating service. Sinéad said that she was horny and looking to get laid. She posted a list of all of the things she was seeking in a potential lover. She also included that she would be “deeply unhappy if doing anal wasn’t on the menu” and advised gentlemen not to even apply to be her lover if they didn’t like “the difficult brown.” Oh, yes. Yes, she did.

Then, at the beginning of last December, Sinéad announced that she’d found a boyfriend, Barry Herridge, and that they were to be married the next day in Las Vegas.

In theory, that should have been the end of Sinéad’s shenanigans. Happily married, bum satisfied, end of story, right? Thankfully, no. It all just gets even better.

So about two weeks after they were wed, Sinéad announced that they were breaking up because their marriage was causing him problems with his family. Then more details emerged. As it turns out, Sinéad’s new husband is an addiction counselor and didn’t take too kindly to her forcing him to escort her on a weed run in a sketchy neighborhood on their wedding night and accidentally ending up with “a load of crack” in her hand. Yes, crack rock.

But for now, true love has won out. Sinéad and Barry are back together. She announced on Twitter that they had a beautiful evening of lovemaking and that they were going to try again as boyfriend and girlfriend (but stay married) and that they’d get some counseling and maybe move in together “in like a year, like regular people.”

Like regular people? Yeah, good luck with that. You are freaks and it is great. Please, oh please, get a reality show or make a sex tape or something. Your public demands it.

“groove is in the arse” – Sinead O’Connor’s Twitter

• link: Riverfront Times

This event was both an introduction and a fundraiser. Tower Groove Records was a brand new collective and this was its formal introduction into society — it’s débutante ball. This all-day show was hosted at Off Broadway and featured around twenty local bands playing both inside on the stage outside in the courtyard.

The carnival included Warm Jets USA, Catholic Guilt, The City of Takers, Accelerando, Bunnygrunt, Death of Yeti, Peck of Dirt, Doom Town, The Feed, The St. Louis Shuffle, Tone Rodent, Beth Bombarda, Bug Chaser, Ransom Note, The Skekses, Fred Friction, The Hot Liquors, Theodore and Magic City. The bands played abbreviated sets and when it wasn’t their turn to perform, they ran homemade carnival games to raise money. The party was fueled by love and run by volunteers. (As a fan of local music, I volunteered some time that day, too.)

This was a very heart-warming, feel-good, charitable event — the kind of thing that usually happens at the end of the year. It was bustling all day with both volunteers and revelers; families were out with their little kids, dads munched hot dogs while moms helped their kids play a game of ring toss. (Named ‘My Ding a-Ring’ as a nod to STL music legend Chuck Berry.) The weather cooperated with a welcome break in both heat and rain, and people were streaming in all day. There was smiling, laughing, toe-tapping and even a bit of headbanging.

At then end of the (long, long) day, all of the people power had paid off. The group raised enough money to fund it’s second big project: the TGR debut release, a double-vinyl LP featuring all of the bands involved. Look for the record early next year and for more big news from Tower Groove Records to be announced soon.

Oh Shit Moment: Looked to my left, there was Fred Friction dressed like a clown and smiling at the crowd. Looked to my right, there was TGR founder Adam Hesed (of Magic City) dressed as a ringmaster and smiling at the crowd. Both looked delighted and relieved.

Highlight of the Night: During Catholic Guilt’s mid-day set, the unpredictable noise musicians were joined by a bunch of random kids in the crowd who wanted to rock. The kids were provided with instruments and they played along in the gravel in front of the stage. [pictured, video footage here]

• link: Riverfront Times

Filed under: Riverfront Times, St. Louis music, Tower Groove Records Tagged: Tower Groove Records ]]> http://jaimeville.com/2011/12/27/best-tgr/feed/ 0 Jaime Tower Groove Records Carnival - Catholic Guilt and kids http://jaimeville.com/2011/12/27/best-rp/ http://jaimeville.com/2011/12/27/best-rp/#comments Tue, 27 Dec 2011 17:05:25 +0000 Jaime http://jaimeville.com/?p=1567 ]]> Rats & People Motion Picture Orchestra present Go West at El Leñador, September 26, 2011
by Jaime Lees

The Rats & People Motion Picture Orchestra is consistently among the most interesting and talented groups in St. Louis. This tiny orchestra (comprised of former members of the Baysayboos, Whole Sick Crew, etc.) takes old silent films and writes a score to accompany them. Then the group plays the score live as audiences watch the film.

Aside from providing quality entertainment, the Orchestra also forces an education on younger film fans. The mostly-forgotten silent films of yesteryear are now vital and alive in the minds of anyone who has seen a Rats & People show. The group has done Go West, Die Bergkatze, Nosferatu, Strike and others. As accidental historians and educators, it has brought a bit of classic cinema to all of us fans, and we are thankful. Rats & People Motion Picture Orchetsra performances are beautiful and get a huge positive response from audiences. (Each show I’ve seen has ended with a standing ovation.)

But the group does have one problem: too much talent and not enough money. It’s a common complaint here in town, but in this case it seems especially unfair. The members of R&P MPO are hard-working, ambitious and sweet. They take each task very seriously and wish to do the best job possible. They are diligent to the point of obsession when studying, scoring, editing, practicing and playing a new project. It is their attention to detail and love of their work that makes their performances so special for audiences. They work to the point of exhaustion, and it shows.

The group was very interested in touring (especially after being so well-received among the film community in neighboring Columbia, MO), but the tour van needed work. In order to raise money to go on tour, Rats & People set up a residency at El Leñador (an El Leñadency, as it’s called) and performed a different piece every week, usually presenting one full film with a short or two included.

The last week of the El Leñadency was to feature Go West, but the performance was protested by the copyright holders of the Buster Keaton classic. They wanted $250 for the screening of the film. Already having promised free shows and Go West, in particular, the Orchestra decided that they wouldn’t back out on its fans. The group would, however, accept donations to pay for the Go West screening so that they wouldn’t have to borrow from the van fund just to have the show.

The band set up a website to take donations on a Sunday night, and they had all the money they needed before noon the next day. Donations were made not only by locals, but by fans and friends out of state — ones that wouldn’t even be able to see the performance — just because they wanted to contribute. Upon reaching their goal, the band took down the donation link and sent out a polite update which read: “We’re gonna Go West on the 26th! Thank you so much. We’re… speechless, humbled, so very grateful for your help and support.” And because they are so damn classy, they even mailed hand-written thank you notes to each of the donors.

But the night of the performance wasn’t all smiles and victory at first. The news was bleak that day: St. Louis visionary and rogue developer Bob Cassilly had been found dead that morning at the construction site of his newest project, Cementland. The mood out on the crowded sidewalk pre-show was gloomy. This particular audience seemed to be comprised of tons of young artists — many living in the neighborhood on Cherokee Street — and everybody seemed to be just a little upset. There were whispers, rumors, a few tears.

We were all kind of lost that night until the R&P brought us back together — both as an audience and as humans. The visuals co-mingling with the beautiful strings is, at times, too much for a wee heart to take. Go West can produce quite a swing of emotions in the viewer, and it’s interesting to go from crying to laughing in the span of just a few minutes.

Sitting there watching Go West that night (for the 5th time, I believe), I had one repeating thought: It’s silly that we’re watching this at El Leñador. This should be in a museum. This should be at the Sheldon. This should be at the Fox. I mean, I’m glad that we get to watch it there for free, sipping on cheap drinks at our favorite place, but R&P deserve the grandest of stages. And it deserves more money.

Its members did raise enough money that night to get their van fixed and they went on to play Milwaukee, Madison, Chicago and Farmington, before coming home to begin work on yet another project. Thankfully, Cassilly’s fearless, inventive spirit lives on.

Oh Shit Moment: When Friendless straps deer antlers on Brown Eyes so that she can defend herself against the Bull. (If that reads like code, you’re missing out.) Audiences always gasp. That scene gets us every time, we’re not sure if we’re going to laugh or cry and we end up doing both. ‘Bittersweet’ is a hell of an emotion.

Highlight of the Night: Watching all of the smiling, tear-stained faces after the show. Everyone was just a little lighter and more loving as they left the venue. People who had been closed off and numb earlier were hugging and kissing after the performance. Everyone seemed to have that sort-of magical post It’s a Wonderful Life glow.

• link: Riverfront Times

We in St. Louis have always known that our pop-punk Humanoids were a first-rate band. With two albums, a few 7″ and tons of touring under their belts, it was only a matter of time before our little treasure received national attention. Word-of-mouth recommendations reached Vinnie Fiorello of Less Than Jake and Fiorello now promotes the Humanoids on his label Paper and Plastick. The self-titled album came out this autumn and it was just in time– we fans have been waiting for far too long to get a copy of songs that we’ve learned and loved from the high-energy live shows. The new album is offered to stream or download for free at freemusicfirst.org, and it’s so good that you’ll feel guilty for not having to pay for it.

Key Track: “Future Perfect”– it’s a song that you hear once and then you know it forever. And the catchy chorus makes it an instant sing-along hit.

Place You’re Most Likely to Hear the Artist: The Silver Ballroom. At this South Side punk rock pinball bar the drinks are cheap, the owners/employees are amazing and the juke box is full of both punk classics and our favorite local bands.

Listen: You can stream (and download) the whole damn album for free here

• link: Riverfront Times

But now I do it all the time. And I show it to everybody else. Why? Because I love him. And because Murphy Lee’s Twitter feed can be all things to all people. It offers funny stories, sage advice, cathartic rants and inspiring suggestions. Here, thug stories are mixed with non-preachy praises of veganism. (Murph has been a vegan for thirteen years.) There are also family stories and lots of advice concerning the ladies in his life. It’s equal parts love, wisdom and yo momma.
Still, Murph is a businessman. He also uses twitter to promote his projects (most recently, the Wine, Weed & Women mixtape) and advertise his interests (like his own brand of wine, Freaky Muscato.) He even has his own Twitter catch phrases based off of his ventures. (UCME?)

As a long-time St. Lunatic and St. Louis booster, Murphy Lee often tweets about the city and related news. His Twitter location reads: “STL even when im gone.” And his stream-of-consciousness style and adventurous spelling choices call to mind another St. Louis legend: William S. Burroughs. In other words, don’t take every word too literally. Sometimes if you just keep reading it will all start to make sense.

(Murph Derrty likes Spin Doctors?)

Anyway, because he’s on there so much, I figured I’d use Twitter as the first step to our future romantic relationship. So I tweeted at him early this year, trying to get him to come to my birthday party. I even promised him yummy vegan noms, but I didn’t get a response. Bummer. Still, my constant stalking has paid off for you, because I’ve amassed quite the collection of hilarious and informative Murphy Lee Twitter missives. Here, you can find 20 of my favorites from the past year, and most of them are fairly recent. You’re going to love him, but I still love him more.

• Yo if a mufucka got a job at sprint n used to work at at&t …u would say congrats….dont get mad at PUJOLS for gettin a new n better job [link]
• Niggas wont change til THE QUEENS stop excepting less. if u EXCEPT a man wit brains ONLY then das wut u get. WE DO WUTEVER FOR DA PUSSY [link]
• Fam time..kids been doin good in school..need to reward their errythang n spend time all at once…..i loves mine [link]
• U should treat folks like u like to b treated…its only right holmes [link]
• Wen somebody love yo derrty fuckin draws…u better wake up..cuz aint nobody else gone wash dem shits [link]
• #FunFactAboutMe i like errythang…a lil bit…take me anywwerrr [link]
• #ConfusingThingsGirlsDo like hang wit girls dey dont like [link]
• Wus on yall agenda today my fellow humans…hope its inspirational n motivational n cool [link]
• I told my son he getting big n dis boy say…I KNOW…I SEEN MY SHADOW…IT GOT BIGGER [link]
• #YouWasSexyUntil u farted n lied n said it wasnt u..”its only two of us…farting is cool but lying isnt [link]
• I cant stand wen people want u to sign somtn but b impatient while u reading…..signing your name is a life long sentence muthafucka [link]
• Women should study men more to kno wut we b on. its sex but its a lil more to us den jus gettin some. we like our ego stroked n our johnsons [link]
• So da hardest jobs make da most money….entertainers..lawyers doctors strippers etc [link]
• #NeverTrustAGirlThat walk on da back of her shoes….wut dey dont fit orsome shit…put dem bad shoes on cuz yo heel worst den da shoes [link]
• #YouShouldNot trust bizness folks wit bad shoes…shoes tell u werr a human at in life [link]
• If u get locked up for murder…get a lawyer n let him talk….we dont need to b talkn to dese people [link]
• Aye do yo momma still got dat koolaid stand in front of kmart on new hallsferry n linbergh…shit was fire…dat red [link]
• So did i jus fart at least 50 times or wus it only jus a dream……damn is it gone stop…wut da fuck i eat…. [link]
• I wish i was u. …sike [link]
• #midnightsnack PUSSY [link]

• link: Riverfront Times
• link: Murphy Lee’s Twitter

Well, worry no longer because ​poor little Sinéad is finally getting filled out like an application. The Bald One made it our business to know her coochie situation, and now she’d like us to know that she is settling down.

While posts on her official website from a few months ago describe her dong-hunger (in graphic detail), she announced yesterday that she’s marrying her new boyfriend:

With enormous joy myself and my beloved boyfriend Barry Herridge will be getting married tomorrow, December 8th 2011 at ‘an un-disclosed location’ in my absolute dream wedding ceremony. We will post a photo or two here on the site as soon as possible afterward.

Very happy girl. : )

Best wishes to the happy cock– er– couple.

• link: Riverfront Times

​Oh, the interwebz. You give us so many awesome gifts. You even take things that are already awesome, and then you put a kitten on them and make them even awesomer. For that we thank you.

Today we celebrate Drinkify.org. This site is hot stuff this week — it’s being posted all over social media web sites and linked in emails. Drinkify is an online drinking guide that pairs the music you are listening to with a suggested cocktail. It’s kind of like having your own personal smart, crunk sommelier.

The design is simple: you type in a band name, click a button that reads “What Should I Drink” and then Drinkify sends you back a photo of the band and and ingredient list with instructions. Drinkify’s output is based on a combination of search results, including band biographies, images and top tracks. The drink suggestions are usually cocktails, and many of them are eerily-similar to the fancy-folk drinks that are served up at the Royale.

Because there is so much information available online, the results are sometimes scary-accurate. For example, if a band puts its favorite beer in its bio, that is probably the beer that Drinkify will suggest.

To test out the site and get a representative sample of the responses supplied by Drinkify, I searched for every band and performer who was nominated for our RFT Music Awards this year plus some classic St. Louis performers and a few personal favorites.

The results ranged from W.T.F. (Pokey LaFarge) to SHOCKINGLY ACCURATE (Sex Robots) to YEAH, PROBABLY (Funky Butt Brass Band) to THAT’S RAW (Murphy Lee).

Of course, there were some glitches; it’s not a perfect system. But there were some cool surprises, too. Here’s a few findings of my research:

• Drinkify didn’t offer a suggested cocktail for every band I tried or it returned the wrong result. Which is a shame, really, because I’d like to buy Magic City a drink. (Ed. seconded.)
• Sometimes Drinkify gave cocktail result but with no band picture included to certify that this drink was, indeed, for this band. I decided that these results probably couldn’t be relied upon, until I searched for .e. Drinkify says that when listening to .e, the suggested cocktail is 12 oz. of marijuana, served on the rocks. Yeah, that sounds about right.
• Drinkify is totally postmodern. It is aware of itself and of other memes. For instance, a search for the Jumpstarts resulted with a suggestion of “4 oz. of White whine.”

Check out our comprehensive list below. Which drink would you most like to try? If you’re an artist, will you be sampling your own drink? And who had a cool result that wasn’t included on this list?

“THE BETH BOMBARA”
6 oz. Home brew
Serve neat. Stir quickly. Garnish with sprig of mint.

“THE BIG GEORGE BROCK”
8 oz. Vodka
Serve neat. Stir vigorously.

“THE BLACK SPADE”
6 oz. Rum
Serve on rocks. Stir slowly.

“THE BLIND EYES”
12 oz. Horilka
12 oz. Coke
Combine in highball glass and serve.

“THE BOREAN DUSK”
8 oz. Woodford Reserve Bourbon
Serve neat. Stir quickly. Garnish with twist of lemon.

“THE BOTTLE ROCKETS”
8 oz. Moonshine
8 oz. V812 oz. Grapefruit juice
Combine in highball glass and serve. Stir vigorously. Garnish with maraschino cherry.

“THE BREAKS”
8 oz. Coke
8 oz. Tequila Añejo
8 oz. Coffee
Combine in highball glass and serve.

“THE BUNNYGRUNT”
12 oz. Vodka
Serve neat. Garnish with twist of grapefruit.

“THE BRADD YOUNG”
6 oz. Ogogoro
Serve on rocks.

“THE BROTHERS LAZAROFF”
4 oz. Fernet
Serve neat. Stir vigorously. Garnish with wedge of pineapple.

“THE BRYANT STEWART”
1 bottle Chilli pepper Vodka
1 bottle Iced tea
4 oz. Jägermeister
Combine in shaker and strain into cocktail glass. Serve. Garnish with salt.

“THE CASSIE MORGAN”
4 oz. Microbrew
Serve neat. Stir slowly. Garnish with cocktail onions.

“THE CHUCK BERRY”
8 oz. Maker’s Mark Bourbon
8 oz. Pineapple juice
Combine in highball glass and serve. Stir vigorously.

“THE CONFORMISTS”
1 Anchor Steam
Serve cold. Garnish with fresh berries.

“THE CROSS EXAMINATION”
1 Brooklyn Lager
Serve cold.

“THE DAVE BLACK”
1 bottle Merlot
Serve at room temperature.

“THE DENISE THIMES”
1 oz. Hendricks Gin
1 oz. Nordic Mist
1 oz. Nordic Mist
Combine in highball glass and serve. Garnish with wedge of watermelon.

“THE DISAPPEARED”
2 oz. Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey
Serve neat.

“THE DOOM TOWN”
12 oz. Pisco
Serve on rocks. Garnish with national flag.

“THE DUBB NUBB”
2 oz. Havana Club Dark Rum
Serve neat.

“THE EARTHWORMS”
6 oz. Rum
Serve neat. Stir slowly.

“THE FISTER”
4 oz. Canadian Club Whiskey
4 oz. Coco López
8 oz. Fernet
Combine in shaker and strain into cocktail glass. Serve.

“THE FONTELLA BASS”
10 oz. Gin
Serve neat. Garnish with fire.

“THE FRANKENHOOKERS”
1 oz. Cachaça
1 oz. Lemon sour
Combine in highball glass and serve.

“THE FRESH HEIR”
1 oz. Blackwoods Gin
Serve on rocks. Stir slowly. Garnish with twist of grapefruit.

“THE FUNKY BUTT BRASS BAND”
4 oz. Absinthe
Serve on rocks. Garnish with straw.

“THE GRAVITY KILLS”
10 oz. Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey
10 oz. Nordic Mist
Combine in shaker and strain into cocktail glass. Serve. Stir quickly.

“THE GREEK FIRE”
1 Bud Light
Serve cold.

“THE HAMIET BLUIETT”
1 bottle Red Wine
Serve on rocks. Stir vigorously. Garnish with maraschino cherry.

“THE HUMANOIDS”
1 PBR
Serve cold.

“THE HUMDRUM”
1 oz. Bottled water
Serve neat. Stir quickly.

“THE IKE TURNER”
2 oz. Vodka
Serve neat. Stir vigorously.

“THE ILLPHONICS”
1 Red Stripe
Serve cold.

“THE INCURABLES”
6 oz. Kaoliang
Serve on rocks. Stir slowly.

“THE JAVIER MENDOZA”
8 oz. Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey
Serve neat. Stir vigorously.

“THE JAY FARRAR”
1 oz. Canadian Club Whiskey
1 oz. Grenadine
Combine in highball glass and serve.

“THE JOE STICKLEY”
1 oz. Macallan Scotch
1 oz. Sweetened lime juice
Combine in shaker and strain into cocktail glass. Serve.

“THE JON HARDY”
6 oz. Rum
Serve on rocks. Stir quickly.

“THE JUMBLING TOWERS”
1 Brooklyn Lager
Serve cold.

“THE KENTUCKY KNIFE FIGHT”
8 oz. Maotai
Serve on rocks. Stir vigorously. Garnish with twist of lemon.

“THE LEFT ARM”
1 Rolling Rock
Serve cold.

“THE LION’S DAUGHTER”
8 oz. Mezcal
Serve neat.

“THE LUCABRASI”
1 Sierra Nevada Pale Ale
Serve cold.

“THE LUDO”
8 oz. Laphroaig Scotch
8 oz. Grenadine
1 oz. Rose’s lime juice
Combine in highball glass and serve. Stir quickly. Garnish with glowstick.

“THE MAGNOLIA SUMMER”
8 oz. Talisker Scotch
8 oz. Red Bull
Combine in highball glass and serve.

“THE MARQUISE KNOX”
1 oz. Arrack
Serve on rocks. Garnish with celery stalk.

“THE MONADS”
8 oz. Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey
Serve on rocks. Stir vigorously.

“THE MURPHY LEE”
12 oz. Cough syrup
12 oz. Moonshine
Serve on rocks. Garnish with cocktail onions.

“THE NATO CALIPH”
12 oz. Rum
12 oz. Lemon juice
Combine in shaker and strain into cocktail glass. Serve.

“THE DJ NEEDLES”
6 oz. Fucking Rum
Serve on rocks.

“THE NELLY”
10 oz. Gin
Serve on rocks. Stir quickly. Garnish with pickled asparagus.
“THE OLIVER SAIN”
1 bottle Red wine
Serve at room temperature. Garnish with sugar.

“THE PALE DIVINE”
12 oz. Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey
12 oz. Egg whites
2 oz. Tonic water
Combine in highball glass and serve. Stir vigorously. Garnish with twist of lemon.

“THE PETER MARTIN”
10 oz. Vodka
10 oz. Grenadine
6 oz. Monster Energy Drink
Combine in highball glass and serve. Stir quickly. Garnish with glowstick.

“THE POKEY LAFARGE”
1 oz. Żubrówka Vodka
1 oz. Red Bull
Combine in highball glass and serve

“THE PRETTY LITTLE EMPIRE”
4 oz. Maotai
Serve on rocks. Stir vigorously. Garnish with fire.

“THE PRINCE EA”
6 oz. Glenfiddich Scotch
Serve neat. Stir slowly. Garnish with sugar.

“THE RA CAILUM”
8 oz. Water
Serve neat.

“THE RAGLANI”
1 Berliner Weisse
Serve cold. Garnish with pickled carrot sticks.

“THE REGGIE THOMAS”
4 oz. Arak
Serve on rocks. Garnish with pickled carrot sticks.

“THE ROCKIN JAKE”
1 oz. Marijuana
Serve neat. Garnish with maraschino cherry.

“THE ROCKWELL KNUCKLES”
10 oz. Beefeater Gin
Serve on rocks. Garnish with maraschino cherry.

“THE ROUGH SHOP”
1 bottle Red wine
Serve at room temperature.

“THE RUM DRUM RAMBLERS”
12 oz. Armagnac
12 oz. Coke
Combine in shaker and strain into cocktail glass. Serve.

“THE SCRIPTS ‘N SCREWZ”
8 oz. Absolut Vodka
Serve neat. Stir slowly. Garnish with wedge of kiwi.

“THE SEX ROBOTS”
4 oz. Talisker Scotch
Serve neat. Stir vigorously. Garnish with cocktail monkey.

“THE SHAVED WOMEN”
1 oz. Ouzo
Serve neat.

“THE SINE NOMINE”
12 oz. Water
12 oz. Lemon juice
Combine in shaker and strain into cocktail glass. Serve.

“THE SLEEPY KITTY”
8 oz. Rum, Fucking Rum
8 oz. Coco López
Combine in highball glass and serve.

“THE SO MANY DYNAMOS”
1 La Fin du Monde
Serve cold.

“THE SON VOLT”
1 oz. Sipsmith Gin
1 oz. Rose’s lime juice
Combine in highball glass and serve. Stir quickly.

“THE ST. LUNATICS”
8 oz. Cough syrup
8 oz. Canadian Club Whiskey
Serve on rocks. Stir slowly. Garnish with sugar.

“THE STORY OF THE YEAR”
10 oz. Whiskey
Serve on rocks.

“THE SYNA SO PRO”
10 oz. Fucking Rum
10 oz. Lemon juice
10 oz. Tequila Reposado
Combine in shaker and strain into cocktail glass. Serve.

“THE TEDDY PRESBERG”
1 bottle Red wine
Serve at room temperature. Garnish with olive.

“THE TERESAJENEE”
1 oz. Hennessy
1 oz. Coffee
Combine in highball glass and serve.

“THE THEODORE”
6 oz. Vodka
Serve neat. Garnish with wedge of kiwi.

“THE TEF POE”
8 oz. Cognac
8 oz. Coco López
Combine in highball glass and serve.

“THE TRIP DADDYS”
4 oz. Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey
Serve on rocks. Garnish with olive.

“THE TROUBADOUR DALI”
1 bottle Organic red wine
Serve at room temperature. Garnish with cucumber.

“THE TIGHT PANTS SYNDROME”
10 oz. Maker’s Mark Bourbon
10 oz. Ice Cream
1 oz. Milk
Combine in highball glass and serve. Stir vigorously. Garnish with sugar.

“THE ULTRAMAN”
4 oz. Laphroaig Scotch
Serve neat. Garnish with pickled carrot sticks.

“THE UNCLE TUPELO”
8 oz. Sipsmith Gin
8 oz. Nordic Mist
2 oz. Glenfiddich Scotch
Combine in shaker and strain into cocktail glass. Serve. Stir quickly.

“THE UNION TREE REVIEW”
10 oz. Apricot Brandy
Serve on rocks. Garnish with glowstick.

“THE VANDALYZM”
12 oz. Jägermeister
12 oz. 7-up
Combine in shaker and strain into cocktail glass. Serve. Stir vigorously.

“THE 7 SHOT SCREAMERS”
8 oz. Maker’s Mark Bourbon
8 oz. Nordic Mist
Combine in highball glass and serve. Stir vigorously.

NO RESULTS RETURNED:
Bikini Acid
Blind Nils
Britches
Buxom Space Fish
Celia Shacklett
Colonel Ford
Corbeta Corbata
Diesel Island
The Dive Poets
Dots Not Feathers
Dust Bunny
Egg Chef
Ellen the Felon
Eric Hall
Everything Went Black
Flaming Death Trap
Flex Boogie
The Fuck Off and Dies
Ghost Ice
Glass Teeth
Good 4 the Soul
The Haddonfields
Half Gay
Indiana Rome
Karate Bikini
Lamar Harris
Langen Neubacher
Lavelle Spitz
Machree
Masculine Journey
Maximum Effort
Morgan Nusbaum
Née
Nune
Prairie Rehab
Roland Johnson and the Voodoo Blues Band
Rough Grooves
Safety Words
Skarekrau Radio
The Skekses
The Soul Alliance featuring CoCo Soul
Spelling Bee
There’s a Killer Among Us
18andCounting
40 ‘Til 5

NAME WOULDN’T SEARCH:
We’re Wolf

ON THE LIST, BUT WITHOUT A PHOTO:
Black James
Caleb Travers
Catholic Guilt
Dogtown Allstars
.e
Ground Floor Band
Jay Fay
The Jumpstarts
Messy Jiverson
MoTre
The Phonocaptors
Scotty Mac
Theresa Payne
The Vondrukes
Warm Jets USA

ON THE LIST, BUT WAS THE WRONG RESULT:
Aloha
Bo & the Locomotive
Buz
Forensic
Kevin Harris
Magic City
Rats & People Motion Picture Orchestra
Rob Lemon
Sweet Tooth
Tok

The Clash by Bob Gruen

Bob Gruen Is a Rock & Roll Primary Source
By Jaime Lees
Thursday, Nov 10 2011

New York-based photographer Bob Gruen is a rock & roll icon. From photographing some of the earliest concerts of Ike and Tina Turner to chronicling months on tour with bands such as the Clash and the Sex Pistols, Gruen has done it all. He always seemed to be in the right place at the right time, capturing loving and candid shots of both emerging and established artists including the Rolling Stones, the Ramones, Blondie, Led Zeppelin, Patti Smith and New York Dolls.

Decades of constant documenting yielded many famous photographs and subjects, including John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Gruen befriended the couple in their New York years and shot some of the most iconic, enduring photos of Lennon, among them the one of Lennon wearing the sleeveless New York City ringer T-shirt and the photo where he’s flashing the peace sign in front of the Statue of Liberty.

Gruen’s newest book, Rock Seen, serves as a collection of the photographer’s favorite shots from throughout his 40-year career — he also wrote captions and included behind-the-scenes stories to accompany the photographs. We spoke to Gruen in advance of his appearance this week at the St. Louis Jewish Book Festival and asked him about his work habits, past projects and plans for the future.

Chuck Berry by Bob Gruen

Jaime Lees: Part of what I like about your work is that you seem to be a fan first, and I think that it shows in your photos.

Bob Gruen: Yes, well, that’s because I didn’t choose to have a career. I was a child of the ’60s. You know, “Turn on, tune in and drop out”? And I did. I lived with a rock & roll band because I like rock & roll music, and I tend to be friends with musicians and performers and artists. And when they got a record deal the company used my pictures. And then they hired me to take more pictures, and every time I would go and do that I’d meet more people who would hire me to do more photos. And I just kind of fell into this career of rock photography. It wasn’t something I sought out — I really wasn’t planning to have any career. I was pretty aimless as a kid. I really wasn’t expecting much to happen. [Laughs] I couldn’t really do a nine-to-five. Like, my parents were sort of trying to get me into a nine-to-five office career, which didn’t appeal to me at all, especially the nine o’clock part. [Laughs] So that’s why I was living with a rock band, and it just kind of turned out that that’s what I was suited for and that’s what I ended up doing.

In spite of myself I have a strong work ethic. I figured out what it is: It’s because I really don’t like to work. And until I finish something, I feel that I’m working because I live in my studio. And if I came home at night and the film wasn’t developed, I’d have to do it the next day, and I had other things to do the next day. So I’d tend to go out and spend the night hanging out with friends and drinking and carrying on, and then I’d come home, and it’s four or five o’clock in the morning, and I’d develop the film.

How do you decide where you’re going to go shoot if you’re not on assignment?

Oh, if I’m not on assignment, I go to see friends or bands that friends recommend, pretty much. I’m not really looking for the next big thing. I never was. Usually the bands that I like don’t make it. [Laughs]

I still go out all the time, but I don’t work as much as I used to. Photography has changed nowadays; it’s much more accessible, so a lot more people are involved in photography. A lot more groups are doing their own work; a lot of groups are much more restrictive. Record companies got much more corporate, and they want to own the images.

And you have less access now.

Yeah, they control the access a lot more, and it’s not as interesting for me. They came up with a three-song rule, where you’re only allowed to take pictures for the first three songs of a group, and I was never into it in that sense of just being on assignment to take a picture of a guy onstage to show what color shirt he’s wearing. To me, I was always more involved as a fan, as somebody who really likes the music, and I wanted to capture the feeling and the passion of what’s going on. And a lot of times that doesn’t happen in the first three songs. Usually in the last three songs, not the first ones. [Laughs] When all of the lights are on, and all of the effects that the band has brought with them are on, and the band is really putting it all out, and the audience is really pumped up, and you have much more excitement and much more feeling — that’s what I’d rather photograph.

I do tend to think of myself as a photojournalist, but I didn’t visit this lifestyle as a journalist. I live this lifestyle, I’ve always been friends with musicians and artists; I feel very comfortable there. So that many times if I had an assignment to go to Madison Square Garden and shoot a band, I’d do that, but after that on my own, as a person, I’d go down to CBGB or Max’s just to hang out. And, you know, I like staying up late. I like going to clubs and hanging out with people, so that wasn’t really an assignment, it was just something I did in my life.

Yeah, you were just kickin’ it. So what’s your next big project?

Well, in December I have to go do an exhibition that we’re putting on in Buenos Aires, sponsored by the American Embassy down there.

Wow! Does it get any bigger than that? I mean, that’s huge!

I don’t know; it’s pretty big. They’ve done more and more events, but not many people in rock & roll are sponsored by the embassy, that’s for sure! But they’re starting to come around. I mean, rock & roll is not teenage music. When Bob Dylan played at Newport, I got my first photo pass there, so I was down front when he played with a rock & roll band, so a lot of people were very upset about that. But over the years I’ve thought about it, and I think what Bob Dylan was doing was kind of making the statement that rock & roll is the folk music of America.

Now we have people like the New York Times recognizing rock & roll; it’s part of our culture. A lot of the magazines did not cover rock & roll or rock stars. There were music magazines, but Life magazine or the New York Times didn’t really review rock & roll at all. Nowadays, you’ll see a review of the Lollapalooza tour or Bonnaroo. We just had the CMJ festival in New York, and there was a big story in the Times about that. It’s becoming more and more regular, but I’m old enough to recognize that it didn’t happen 20 years ago, 30 years ago. Rock & roll was not a part of mainstream culture.

I just met a CEO of a major corporation the other day, and he was telling me about going out just about every night of the week to some different rock show, and he had this big smile like a teenager. And people who are into rock & roll tend to stay young in feeling. It keeps you excited and alive in a sense.

Well, I was at a rock show until 2:30 a.m. last night, and I can’t say that I feel all that excited or alive today…

[Laughs] Well, the next morning is a little difficult, but it is fun at night. I mean, for me rock & roll is about the freedom to express your feelings…loudly. I think that’s what people really like about it.

LINK: Bonus interview outtakes 

• link: Riverfront Times
• link: Bob Gruen
• link: Rock Seen

​Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore of Sonic Youth have separated after 27 years of marriage and now the future of the band is unknown. Their record label released this statement last Friday:

Musicians Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore, married in 1984, are announcing they have separated. Sonic Youth, with both Kim and Thurston involved, will proceed with its South American tour dates in November. Plans beyond that tour are uncertain. The couple has requested respect for their personal privacy and does not wish to issue further comment.

It feels kind of gross to discuss this news. (And not just because the couple requested privacy.) It’s weird to think about their separation because Gordon/Moore were not just the biggest couple of the alternative generation but because they were also the most respected. To the outside world, they had the perfect relationship. They were in love, married with a talented daughter, and together they were one half of the greatest indie rock band in history.

But they never flaunted their bond. They weren’t always holding hands in band photographs or anything like that. In fact, in the beginning of the band, they seemed to make a point to stand apart from one another. Because of the careful, private way they carried their love, they seemed untouchable. And strong. They were held up by admirers as the perfect rock and roll couple, an example of how cool love and marriage could be.

Fans and journalists alike were respectful of their relationship. I’ve interviewed both of them, and I never had the balls to ask either of them about the other. In our conversation a couple of summers ago, Gordon brought up Moore and was very complimentary about him. She also spoke about her daughter, but it still felt inappropriate to ask her too much about her home life. It felt like prying — like if I got her to talk about it that I would be tricking her into doing something that I knew she didn’t want to do.

And, really, there was no reason to ask about her home life. Both Gordon and Moore are prolific musicians, writers, poets and artists. There’s plenty of interesting ground to cover. Together and separately, they are both workaholics, releasing a staggering amount of art in various formats. One of their accomplishments together is the release of seventeen studio albums in the bands 30-year career.

And any fan who has listened to the last few albums could have made predictions of this breakup. It would be a mistake for any outsider to claim that that these songs are autobiographical, but there is a definite story arc from “I Love You, Golden Blue” through to “Turquoise Boy” then “Antenna” and “Massage the History” on the bands last release, The Eternal. The last few albums seemed more somber, more contemplative.

Combine that with the fact that the other Sonic Youth band members, Steve Shelley and Lee Ranaldo, seemed to be actively building other lives for themselves outside of the band, and the potential demise of Sonic Youth doesn’t seem too shocking. Shelley is all set up as the drummer for Chicago-based band Disappears, and he’s been touring with them for a while. It would be easy to change the category on the Disappears from “other” band to “primary” band. And Ranaldo is suddenly everywhere. He’s started an official Facebook page, he’s making music and his website has become increasingly active- most notably with his photojournalistic endeavors. Ranaldo’s posts his photos on his website and it has become one of the best sources for his on-the-street documentation of the Occupy Wall Street movement.

Gordon has been absent lately. Laying low, one would suppose. Moore had a personal blog where he would post his writings, photos of his daughter, tributes to poets he admired, etc, but the blog was deleted over the weekend. Moore is still active publicly, even conducting a thoughtful, funny interview with Henry Rollins about his new book on the day of the announcement.

Yes, the separation is hard on the fans, too. And that’s unfair to Gordon and Moore, but it’s the truth. It’s a lot of weight to put on one couple. Before, fans would think to themselves: Maybe my parents got divorced, maybe I just got dumped, maybe my marriage is a disaster, but Kim and Thurston were still together- so true love exists! Now admirers must accept that Gordon and Moore are just like us. Not an infallible supercouple, but two people who also have to deal with the consequences of unraveling love. (And if you think your ex won’t go away, try being together for 30 years, being known world-wide and having to deal with nosy journalists and fans.)

But perhaps Gordon and Moore can still be our role models. But instead of being part of the relationship that we most glorify, they can be an example to show us how to handle even the biggest, messiest, most heart-breaking of breakups with dignity.

And while they are unique in their place in fans’ hearts, but there have been quite a few other separations between couples who made music together. Below we explore some other famous inter-band rock and roll relationships with breakups and the outcome of each.

4. Jack White and Meg White of the White Stripes

These peppermint-colored cuties hit the scene in the late ’90s as a catchy throw-back garage duo. Back then they claimed that they were brother and sister, which was believable enough given their shared look — alabaster skin and black hair. As it turns out, they were husband and wife. They’d been married for a few years and actually divorced in early 2000, just as the White Stripes were getting super-popular. Jack later said that he invented the sibling story (and a few other fake back-stories) so that the press would focus on their music rather than their relationship. It was the opposite of Fleetwood Mac. Instead of exploiting their relationship, they denied it altogether. This, of course, just made fans all the more curious and throughout their career their exact relationship was the source of much speculation. The White Stripes officially disbanded early this year, but the Whites seem to have an okay relationship. Both had remarried and Meg even had her wedding ceremony in Jack’s backyard. Just this summer Jack announced his divorce from his second wife, model Karen Elson, but relationship downers don’t seem to put a dent his productivity. Jack’s latest band is alt-rock supergroup the Dead Weather and he continues to play with the jaw-droppingly talented Brendan Benson in the Raconteurs.

3. Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham of Fleetwood Mac

This is easily the most famous rock and roll breakup in classic rock. Fleetwood Mac, as a band, built its whole career on relationship turmoil. The classic album Rumours is a product of that turmoil, and in this case the lyrics were certainly autobiographical. In the band, there were two couples breaking up — not just Nicks and Buckingham, but also Christine McVie and John McVie. This charged atmosphere created some of the best SoCal tunes of the decade. It also resonated with listeners: Rumours has sold 40 million units worldwide. Back in the day, those songs really held a lot of meaning — both sadness and contempt. Buckingham’s “Go Your Own Way” was particularly harsh on his former lover — it basically called her a slut (Which is debatable, honestly, since she slept with drummer Mick Fleetwood after the breakup with Buckingham). In any case, it was a scathing song that accused her of being a heartless skank. But it was a hit, so Nicks had to sing it on stage with Buckingham every night. Still, once the bitterness blew over, this is the one case where a serious breakup actually aided the longevity of the band. Now, whenever they’ve come together as Fleetwood Mac, they take every opportunity to play-up their former relationship, knowing that their old lady fans just love the sexual tension. Just watch the second half of the video for “Silver Springs” from 1997′s The Dance. The on-stage theatrics are out of control. And the fans love it. Since their heyday, all parties have had varying degrees of success in their solo careers. And if it’s broken down into a competition between Nicks and Buckingham, it’s hard to say who would win. Nicks is more well known but Buckingham is still mighty handsome and talented.

2. Ike and Tina Turner of the Ike & Tina Turner Revue

Ike Turner is credited as one of the inventors of rock and roll. In fact, he’s included in the short list as one of the dudes who (possibly) released the first rock and roll record. Yes, he was also a major jerkburger, but his musical pedigree cannot be stepped to. Ike met and hired a teenage Anna Mae Bullock as a background singer in the late 1950s. He gave her the stage name of Tina and the two began both a very successful career and a shit-tastic marriage. Ike was widely reported to be a controlling, easily angered woman-beater. Tina finally left him in 1976 and the divorce was finalized two years later. Ike got to keep all of the money, and Tina famously asked the court for one thing only: her name. They didn’t make music together again. Following their separation, Ike didn’t really exercise his talent. He spent some time in prison as a result of his drug addictions, and died in 2007 of a cocaine overdose. Tina, however, went on to build an impressive solo career on the merit of her distinctive voice, sexy legs and survivor status.

1. John Lennon and Yoko Ono

Even though everyone always hated on Ono, she was Lennon’s main musical partner in his life after the Beatles. She was also his partner in life. Like it or not, the two of them had one of the biggest, most well-documented romances in rock and roll history. She was an artist before she was even with Lennon, and she brought her vision to what they produced together. Against all odds, their partnership and love flourished. They lived as two halves of one whole, and Lennon wouldn’t do much without her by his side. What people forget, though, is that they separated for a while in late 1973. The couple had been under a lot of stress. Lennon was being skewered in the press for abandoning his nice, blonde, white wife and child for his weird, yelping Japanese artist. He was also facing deportation from a McCarthyist American government, who despised him for having a voice. When he spoke out against injustices or war, people listened, and he was considered a threat to national security. Also, Lennon had fidelity issues.

Faced with all of this pressure, the couple needed a break and Ono requested a separation. Lennon historians call this time period “The Lost Weekend,” but the separation really lasted for nearly a year and a half. During this time Lennon spent some months living in Los Angeles, hanging out with scenesters at the Troubadour and drinking far too much. When he was in LA, he was, by all accounts, a hot mess. Eventually Ono took him back, after which he seemed slightly broken, but happy in his relief. He had shed some of that famous Lennon ego and become a more humble, sensitive man. They were older, calmer, and they finally settled down together. And just when it seemed as though Lennon and Ono would live happily forever together in the Dakota, their time together was ended forever by Mark David Chapman and four bullets. The legacy of this relationship will live on in perpetuum as the rock and roll Romeo and Juliet. Ono has continued her own music career, and was recording an album with Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore just earlier this year.

• link: Riverfront Times

Iggy Pop and Patti Smith, 1970s

CBGB’s Final Show With Patti Smith (A.K.A. The Day I Got Covered in Brian Eno’s Sweat)
By Jaime Lees
Fri., Oct. 14 2011

​Legendary punk club CBGB closed five years ago tomorrow. In its final week, the venue hosted a string of shows paying tribute its storied thirty year run, and it all culminated with a headlining set from Patti Smith. There were only a couple hundred people lucky enough to get tickets to that last hurrah, and one of them was me.

I don’t really romanticize New York City. I know a lot of people do, but I’m a Midwesterner who likes to drive, hates crowds and has a mild case of germaphobia. Mostly, I’m resentful on principle. I don’t like that one little place gets so much attention when there are plenty of other cool places and people outside of NYC that are rarely recognized.

That said, if I could live in any place and time, the Lower East Side in the 1970s would be a top contender. Maybe I’m a victim of selective history, but I’ve been led to believe that it was a vibrant place full of magic and creativity. And the music! Mercy. Most of my favorite music from that time came out of that little pocket of the world, and at the center of it all was CBGB.

Founded by the Hilly Kristal in 1973, CBGB was originally opened as a country and bluegrass club, but quickly morphed into a place where the mohawked were welcomed. Kristal only had one rule for the club: no cover bands, and bands were encouraged to play music that they wrote. This was intended as a precaution against ASCAP fines, but the rule unintentionally made the venue a receptive to original music. Known mostly as the venue that hosted early gigs by the Ramones (Who I never gave a crap about it. I know, I know. Save it. It’s too late for me.), CB’s also launched Blondie, Television, Talking Heads, the Dead Boys, the Cramps and countless other legendary punk and new wave bands.

Sometimes all it takes is one little building to change the world. CBGB stayed open for 33 years as a functioning little rock venue, continuing an open policy and giving hundreds of bands a place to play their first shows. And because of all of the greats that had played the space over the years, touring bands considered it an honor to play the tiny diagonal stage at CB’s and made the venue a priority on tours.

In 2006 some news came that saddened punx the world over: CBGB was going to close. As a result some sort of gentrification disaster and a rent dispute, the club that had helped to build the neighborhood for the past 30-plus years had also built its own displacement. The management at CBGB could no longer afford the rent for its home at 315 Bowery. Kristal hosted various fundraisers, but to no avail. Kristal had cut a deal with his landlord to be able to afford rent during the last year that the club was open, and as a condition of that legal battle he could not attempt to have the venue registered as a historic landmark. Kristal died of lung cancer less than a year later in 2007, prompting many to conclude that he was simply too weak to fight for the place.

CBGB announced a series of shows in the week leading up to the closing night on October 15, 2006. Bands like Bad Brains, the Dictators and Blondie would come out and play to celebrate the place that gave them their start. The headliner for the last night was Patti Smith, one of my all-time favorites. I’d been keeping up with all of the press covering the closure, and I read an article that said that tickets were going on sale the next day. I figured, “Hey, I’ll give it a shot. I mean, somebody has to win the tickets, right?”

So on Sunday, October 1, I woke up and shuffled over to my laptop. As the clock hit selling hour, I was there hitting “reload” on Safari. Just then, the crap internet connection that I was pirating from my neighbor went out. I got back online and tried again. The site crashed. I tried one last time. It was already seven minutes past sale time, but the ticket gods were on my side and a few short minutes later I got a confirmation email. It took a minute to sink in. Wait — did I really just get two of only a couple hundred tickets to the concert event of the decade? I mean, sometimes dreams come true, but this was akin to winning the lottery. I called the ticketing agency to confirm. The guy I got on the phone at customer service laughed at me and asked me to hold while he checked my transaction number. I heard him tap tap tap on his keyboard and then he said, “Holy shit. You got ‘em!” followed by “Do you need a date to the show?” I didn’t. I called my friend in NY and passed on the good news: two weeks from this day we were going to see Patti Smith at the last show ever at CBGB. Ten minutes later I had my flight booked to NYC and it was all set. Holy shit is right, my friend.

That night outside CB’s was a madhouse. Though we arrived hours early, the line snaked down around the block. As it turns out, most of these people didn’t have tickets, they were just hoping to get in. From our spot in line at the corner of Bowery and E 1st, we had a good view of the circus under the famous CBCB awning while we waited. There were news trucks everywhere, photographers documenting the scene, journalists with tape recorders interviewing people in line and fans hanging out on the sidewalk just looking for a street party. Details were scarce and the line would take a while. In an attempt to cut off scalpers, the ticketing rules were strict. Two tickets only and no paper tickets at all. If you “got tickets”, your name went on a list at the door and you had to show an ID to gain entry. And because of sound check and photographs that had to be taken, they weren’t going to let the audience in until right before the show started.

Faces I recognized were streaming past, but I couldn’t place most of them. Most of them were older men who were probably in punk bands. Chloe Sevigny (fresh off of her heels-with-rubber-bands fashion statement) was about ten people behind me in line for a bit before she was whisked inside, not to be seen again. It was bitterly cold outside. So cold, in fact, that this night marks the one time in my life that I deigned to wear fleece. And right in front of Chloe, no less! The horror.

Finally, they let us in. We all thawed out quickly; it was already about a million and two degrees inside the venue. We made it to the floor in front, about seven feet from the stage. The music was already starting. We were quickly surrounded by the rest of the crowd. This would be our spot. We would not be able to get a cocktail. We would not be able to visit the bathroom. Not for fear of losing our place, but because it was so packed that we couldn’t move even if we wanted to. I took a deep breath and removed any extra clothing. It was going to be a long night.

I looked around and tried to take in the scene as the show started. Also, I was trying to peep out Michael Stipe of R.E.M. I couldn’t find him, but about five feet to my right was David Fricke of Rolling Stone. He’s tall and his hair is easy to spot. And in front of him was Elijah Wood. This would mark the third out of maybe eight times that I’ve found myself standing next to Elijah Wood at various musical events. Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, SXSW, he’s at all of them. (And I’m taller than him. This is rare.) Also in the house was music industry insider Danny Fields, photographer Bob Gruen, writer Jim Carroll and Chris Frantz and Tina Weymouth of Talking Heads.

Then I saw him. Standing directly behind me was Brian. Motherfucking. Eno. I nearly fainted. I told myself that my eyes were playing tricks on me. I had nearly convinced myself of this, too, until I heard him speak and I took another peek. He was wearing intimidating, industrial strength earplugs. Of course he was! Those ears are like Tiny Turner’s legs or Dolly Parton’s rack — they are his finest and most bankable quality. (Hopefully, they’re also insured.) And when I say that he was right behind me, I mean really right behind me. He was breathing on the back of my neck and the convex curve of his belly was arching perfectly into the small of my back. (Does this read like pornography yet?) We’d only been inside for a few minutes, but everybody in the place was hot, Eno included, and it didn’t take long for his sweat to get all up in my biznass. It was so dreamy…but I must say, Eno’s presence was a point of distraction all night. He was super quiet and low profile, but people kept whispering and pointing at him. But I was in heaven. I was all, “CBGB who? Patti Smith what? I don’t care, I just want Brian Eno to stay pressed against me.”

And then I looked up, and there she was. Patti Smith is an interesting creature. She’s half wise old lady and half wide-eyed little girl, and she’s been like this all of her life. She dresses like a boy, but has always had the strength of a woman. She uses at least five different voices: 1. the sweet, child-like talking voice, 2. the monotone poetry-reading voice, 3. the Dylan-esqe singing voice, 4. the soulful, robust singing voice, 5. the angry, barking rebel voice. She’s both a goddess and a hobo. A wild-haired rock star and an introspective bespectacled poet. Worldly but down-home.

She came on stage with Lenny Kaye, Jay Dee Daugherty, Tony Shanahan and a big smile and started with an impassioned reading of Piss Factory. Her singing started out a little shaky, with a few false starts. It seemed like nerves had gotten the best of Ms. Smith. She apologized, bashfully, and made a joke out of it. (“We’re here to prove that we have not improved”) And then she got back to work. It seemed like she knew that she had a big job to do there that night and she was a little intimidated. But with every song she gained more confidence and soon both she and the crowd were having a good time.

Smith’s personality shown through when she spoke in between songs. She’s all love and praise when she’s telling stories and she has a sweet kind of old timey way of speaking. She says “piana” instead of “piano” and she never, ever pronounces the “g” on anythin’. Sometimes it’s jarring when she goes back to singing because it’s hard to reconcile the difference between the sweet little story-teller and the powerful woman-goddess singer.

Smith was careful to make sure that everyone possible was acknowledged. On top of the cover songs that she and her band played, she read lists and lists of names from the heyday of CBGB. Some on the lists had passed, some were in the audience, some were on the stage. She gave shout-outs to people from both the music and writing world like Richard Sohl, Deborah Harry, Blondie, Lou Reed, the Velvet Underground, Richard Lloyd, Tom Verlaine, Television, William Burroughs, Nick Tosches, her manager Jane Friedman and tons of others. Smith has always been very concerned with respecting her elders. (And personally, I think she’s a little obsessed with dead guys.)

Once it seemed like her acknowledgment duties were over, she loosened up and the gig turned perfect — even transcendent. During the show, she was joined on stage by both Richard Lloyd from Television and Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I don’t even like RHCP, but Flea is such a lovable character. I was thoroughly entertained watching him try to restrain himself and not to “Flea-out” and do that full spine roll head bobbing thing that he is known for. Flea was particularly impressive during the always-creepy “Birdland” where his bass led the band into a crazy, frantic jazz-like ending. Smith repaid him by leading the crowd into singing “Happy Birthday to You” to him on stage — it was his 44th.

Her set included both rarely played older songs and covers of classics from the Velvet Underground’s “Pale Blue Eyes” to Television’s “Marquee Moon” to Blondie’s “The Tide is High” to the Dead Boys’ “Sonic Reducer” to the Yardbirds’ “For Your Love” and the Who’s “My Generation.” She and the band also did a Ramones medley near the end of the set that the crowd loved. Still, the high point of the night for me had to be when she unleashed the musical trifecta of “Free Money” then “Pissing in a River” followed by the Rolling Stone’s “Gimme Shelter.” It was absolutely amazing. Even Brian Eno had to bop around a bit.

Looking back, it’s probably the best show I’ve ever seen. It would have been even if it wasn’t at CBGB, and even if it wasn’t the last ever show at CBGB. I’ve seen Patti Smith quite a few times, and this was the best show that I’ve ever seen her play. It was certainly the most important. I witnessed rock and roll history. Smith was on the cover of the New York Times that I picked up at the airport on the way home the next afternoon — it was a photograph of her taking a photograph of the famous awning.

When I think back on the show, I remember a lot of details (and a lot of Eno), but one thing really stuck with me. Thankfully, recordings from the night allow me to transcribe it here exactly. Smith had told stories of the first time she went to CBGB (Easter night, 1974, to see the third ever Television gig) and about some of her favorite nights at the club. Then she said:

“Now, you know, kids will find some other club. They’ll need some place to play. (boos from audience) Yeah, no! Yeah! Cause that’s what’s supposed to happen! This place is not a fuckin’ temple. It’s just what it is. And the greatest thing about it, and the best way that it can serve the people, is just show an example of what you can do. You just gotta place, just some crappy place, that nobody wants. And you got one guy who believes in you. And you just do your thing. And anybody can do that. Anywhere in the world. Anywhere. Anytime.”

• link: Riverfront Times

​This is not the review I expected to write. It pains me to say it, but the Yuck show was kind of, well, meh. Now, I’ve spent the better part of this year talking up this band. Yuck’s self-titled debut is absolutely my favorite album of the year. I’ve rocked that album on the daily since about February. If you know me, and we like the same tunes, it’s likely that I burned you a copy of that album. In fact, I probably owe Yuck about $300 considering how many copies of that album that I’ve given out in the Midwest area. But I get excited about good bands. And when I think you might like it, too, I get really excited.

Sadly, the Yuck show was a disappointment. As much as I hoped that the live show would be as beautiful and life enriching as the album, there were some causes for concern. I’d seen some videos of live performances, and they seemed kind of lackluster. I’d sent friends in other cities to see the band, and they reported that they were sub par. Undeterred, I rolled out a whole range of excuses. I told myself that the band members are young, they’ve barely toured, and they’re under a lot of pressure as an up-and-coming “it” band.

But after seeing them last night I can report this: Yuck is the Lloyd Dobler of bands. Totally dreamy in theory, but weird in real life. (I mean, seriously, Lloyd Dobler was kind of a stalker. The hottest stalker ever, but a stalker nonetheless.) The songs ware still there, but the execution was all off. The Firebird probably has the one of the best sound systems of any venue in St. Louis, but you wouldn’t know it. It was all drums, the whole set. The sweet guitar melodies and the harmonizing vocals were all there, but they were totally drowned out by snare crash and cymbal clang. I walked around the decently crowded room, trying to find a place where the sound was less harsh, but there was no sweet spot to be found.

The sound got shockingly better at the end of the set with “Operation” and extendo-jam closer “Rubber.” The only difference between these songs and the others was volume. The band members had turned around and cranked up the amps in preparation for rockitude. They were suddenly louder and more loose, clearly feeling what they were playing for the first time all night.

Still, I’m full of excuses. Maybe Yuck was just having an off night? The members seemed sweet enough when they spoke between songs, taking care to ask the crowd the final score of the all-important Cardinals game. During one of the set breaks, they mentioned that they were bummed because their van had just been broken into. My heart sank. Was Yuck going to be added to the long list of touring bands who have had their property stolen while in town? A quick check of the band’s Twitter account revealed Chicago thugs as the culprits. Booya.

So conditions might not have been the best. Morale might have been low. Spirits dampened. It wasn’t a bad show, it just wasn’t the best show ever — and I thought it would be. And maybe my expectations were too high, but I think Yuck can do better. I will not waiver in my devotion. The album is still freakin’ perfect, and I’ll probably listen to it again today. Though our first date kind of sucked, we are still meant for each other. I still wanna have Yuck’s babies. I hope they come back to town so we can try again.

• link: Riverfront Times

Yuck released one of the best albums of 2011. The London band’s self-titled debut encompasses everything great about ’90s indie rock all squished into one album. It contains melody, distortion and a tons of volume. Unfortunately, these distinctive qualities have earned Yuck a reputation in the music media as grunge revivalists. This label has divided the press, with authors either claiming that Yuck is recycled and derivative or ambassadors of the next alternative generation.

Either way, there’s no getting around it: Yuck sounds like ’90s rock — but only the best parts of really, really good ’90s rock. Shit, it’s not like the band is being constantly compared to Limp Bizkit or Matchbox 20 or even Bush. Yuck only gets compared to legendary, groundbreaking bands like friggin’ Teenage Fanclub and GD Dinosaur Jr and Sonic MFing Youth. It’s a compliment, really.

Still, the group’s sound extends beyond these comparisons. It also balances My Bloody Valentine-esque scorchers with a whole host of sweeter sounds, like that of Pavement or Neil Young or bits of the great C86 bands. These comparisons are especially impressive considering that all of the band members in Yuck are in their early 20s. They didn’t witness the rise and fall of alternative rock — they were still toddlers when Nevermind came out. Still, the kids in Yuck reference their indie forefathers with great maturity and skill.

Part of this competence comes from experience. Yuck’s two main songwriters, Daniel Blumberg and Max Bloom, have been in bands together since they were teenagers. A couple of years ago, Blumberg and Bloom quit the (relatively successful) Brit band Cajun Dance Party to form Yuck. With the addition of bass player Mariko Doi (of London via Hiroshima) and American drummer Jonny Rogoff, the lineup was complete. And the band wasted no time making their mark: it’s already played SXSW, recorded a Daytrotter session and toured with Times New Viking, Tame Impala and its heroes, Teenage Fanclub. Yuck is even scheduled to perform on the much anticipated Weezer cruise.

Despite a few disparaging reviews by out-of-touch rock critics, the band has been entirely embraced by audiences. They dig it. And it’s the fans who have pushed the band to the top of the indie underground. Yuck’s debut was released early this year on the righteous Fat Possum label and it’s been so well-received by the public that it’s being re-issued this month with six bonus tracks.

Check out Yuck for yourself this Tuesday at the Firebird with White Denim and Porcelain Raft.

• Riverfront Times – link

Sometimes it’s fun to go to a show with a small crowd. Your friends are easier to find. There’s no wait at the bar. And you seem to talk to people more because it’s like, Hey, we’re all in this together. Let’s make somethin’ happen. There is a kind of easy, community feeling that you can’t get when you’re crammed in a crowded room, covered in other people’s sweat and wondering who in the hell is touching your ass.

Surely, there is a place for both kinds of shows. But if there is a young band from out of state on the bill, it’s always nice to hope for too crowded. Touring dudes/dudettes gotta get paid. They need money for fuel and van repairs and gas station Slim Jims. So the more people who are there and buy their record, the better.

The Tennis System didn’t get to play to a lot of people, but these kids killed it to a crowd of about 30 last night at the Firebird. It’s rare that you see a band and think I will now see this band every dang time it comes to town, but the Tennis System is that band. Live, the band is even more vibrant and alive than on recordings. All of the shoegaze haze is still there, but the big drum beat bursts through, propelling the band into something much more tough than ordinary fuzz and distortion. Looking much more like Black Rebel Motorcycle Club than Euro cuties like Slowdive or Ride, the band members wore all black clothes, leather jackets and smiles. It was great. This band might have invented a new genre: bootgaze. We want more.

Opener Death of Yeti was psychedelic without any kind of noodling. There didn’t seem to be a lot of unnecessary straying, no so-called “freak outs.” Just straight ahead, trippy tunes fronted by a singer with a very Morrisey-esque voice — it sounded like Bona Drag on mushrooms.

Sleepy Sun started out a little too sleepy. It was late in the night, the room was still wide open and hardly anybody was drunk. The younger people in the audience seemed a little worn out from bopping to Tennis System and the crowd really needed some fire to get warmed up. Sleepy Sun delivered the goods, but the band made the crowd wait for it. It was a slow build, but this group can certainly keep your attention, even if it’s keeping you guessing about what kind of sound it might come out with next. From the Black Angels to Muse to ’70s rock to even a little bit of alt-country, Sleepy Sun’s sound is confusing, schizophrenic and kinda cool. Truly a band for all weather: if you don’t like it, you can wait five minutes and it will change.

• Riverfront Times – link

​One of the most important bands in rock music has broken up. After 31 years together, R.E.M. has announced its retirement on its website with a humble, thankful note. The declaration shocked fans, who immediately bombarded social networks and entertainment news stories with a flurry of bittersweet comments and links to favorite music videos.

There is a reason for all of this upset: R.E.M is special. Not just to fans, but to history. It is impossible to overstate the significance of this band. R.E.M. has influenced the very fabric of American culture, including music, morality and politics. From its meager beginnings in small town Georgia to playing the biggest stages in the world, R.E.M. pulled off something nearly unthinkable: it maintained its integrity and kept making great music.

Since 1980, the band has been a constant. That’s not to say that it never evolved. Both the band members and the music grew with grace, never repeating a proven formula, always claiming new ground. From the mid-tempo jangle on Murmur to the rock blast of Monster and on through the sun-soaked twinkling in Reveal, the band exhibited a remarkable ability to morph its sound while still retaining its essence.

Individually, the band members each play a fundamental role in creating the R.E.M. magic. A shy poet and photographer, singer Michael Stipe seemed frequently uncomfortable in his roll on stage. At the band’s early shows, he spent much of his time on stage hiding behind a big curtain of curly hair, but he now ends his tenure as a dancing, eyeliner-wearing, confident front man. Mr. Mike Mills is on the bass and keyboards and adds the absolutely essential R.E.M. backing vocals. His distinctive voice is one of the main pillars of the R.E.M. sound. And then, of course, there is the great Peter Buck. Buck is one of the most important rock guitarists in history and he’s also the man who plays that instantly recognizable mandolin.

Hard times befell the band in 1997 with the departure of original drummer Bill Berry. He had suffered a brain aneurysm on stage a couple of years before, and he was ready to move on. This was a crucial, emotional time for the band. Still, its members remained like brothers. Berry said that he would not quit unless the other three would continue on without him. After seventeen years with Berry behind them, the other members of R.E.M. soldiered on. Stipe compared this time to a three-legged dog that is learning to run again.

But through every change, audiences followed. People react to this band. Millions of people. Worldwide. It’s hard to wrap your head around the idea that multitudes of people can have the same intense connection to a song that seems so personal to you individually. And, unfortunately, it is impossible to hear hits like “Losing My Religion,” “The One I Love” and “Everybody Hurts” with fresh ears. These songs are so much a part of our lives that they’ve been unfairly relegated to the land of boring, played-put FM schmaltz, instead of standing as strong, statement-making singles as they were intended.

But even with these internationally known hits, fans have vastly different opinions of the song’s meanings. Main lyricist Stipe has always steadfastly refused to explain the meaning of any of his lyrics, but you don’t even have to understand English to feel the gut-wrenching weight of “Country Feedback” or the sexy swagger of “Lotus.” In this respect, R.E.M. songs have a unique quality: they can be both specific or universal, depending on the interpretation. And while every listener has a slightly different take on the band, there is an authenticity there, a sincerity, that hordes of people respond to favorably.

R.E.M. members and management put this unparalleled popularity to good use. They recognized their position and decided to use their powers for good. Those thousands and thousands of people who attended any one night of an R.E.M. concert were encouraged to participate not just as a cheering audience member, but as a mindful member of society. Always politically aware, the band used these events as opportunities to enlighten audiences and ignite personal passions. Whether it was encouraging fans to donate to disaster relief, to rally for gay rights, to sign petitions in support a free Tibet or just to register to vote, there always seemed to be volunteers present to facilitate positive action.

This philanthropic trait also applied to other areas. The business side of R.E.M. keeps its headquarters in the bands hometown of Athens, Ga. Thanks in no small part to the guiding hand of the bands long-time manager, Bertis Downs, the band has always found ways to reach out and keep the city intact. R.E.M. as a unit is one of Athens biggest preservationists — and the band members are among the first people to buy a historical property for renovation or to speak to the press in an attempt shine a light on endangered local buildings and landmarks.

This awareness of their position was also extended to help other bands. R.E.M. members served as mentors and wise elders to a whole generation of younger bands, including big names like Radiohead, Nirvana and Pearl Jam. And up until the very end, the band invited scores of newer bands to be its supporting acts, handing over a staggering amount of prime exposure for any group that it believed in.

For all of these reasons, the members of R.E.M. are our heroes. As fans, we believed in them. We trusted them. We grew up with them. The music was there during our first kiss and it floated around when we were falling in love. It soothed our broken hearts and it played at our wedding receptions. We’ve seen this band through its ups and downs, and it has done the same with us. These guys are the soundtrack of our lives. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to imagine life without them.

• Riverfront Times – link
• REM – website link

​About twenty years ago, Sonic Youth’s Thurston Moore asked his friend, filmmaker Dave Markey, to document the band’s short European tour, including its performance at the massive Reading Festival.

Markey (best known for his underground classic Desperate Teenage Lovedolls) left with his passport, a camera and a suitcase full of Super 8 film. When he returned he had nine hours of raw footage and the makings of the best visual documentary of 1990s indie rock before the grunge explosion. The film features many indie bands in their prime, including Nirvana, Dinosaur Jr and Babes in Toyland. It’s sort of the video companion to Michael Azerrad’s Our Band Could Be Your Life.

1991: The Year Punk Broke existed for years as an out-of-print VHS with a cult following, but it was finally released on DVD last week. The DVD release contains the original documentary and a shit-load of extra features, including more than an hour of interviews, bonus footage and rough edits.

Tennis System
Sun., September 25, 8:00pm
Pig Slop Studios The Firebird
By Jaime Lees

Shoegaze is one of the few music genres where being a weak little pussy is actually sought after. Many shoegaze bands fall flat because of mumbly vocals and feeble beats; resulting in songs that just drift off into sprawling, boring nothingness. Tennis System ain’t tryin’ to roll like that. The Los Angeles based band takes the genre and blows it up, expanding on the customary wall of guitars with gorgeous vocals and a proper beat. It creates loud, structured-yet-psychedelic dream-pop compositions that sound like the ringing reverb of My Bloody Valentine mixed with thumping, Evol-era Sonic Youth. Watch for its sophomore release, Teenagers, due out this fall.

A Prediction: This show will be criminally underpopulated. Did we mention that the band members are floppy-haired and adorable? Just sayin’.

• Riverfront Times: link
• Tennis System

Foo Fighters
Jaime Lees
Nobody really hates the Foo Fighters. That might seem like an odd distinction, but this is a rarity for a modern rock band. For how highly anticipated a Dave Grohl project was in the wake of Nirvana-cide, the Foos has really been a sleeper of a band. Though it has always been high profile, the FFs went from being those dudes who made funny music videos to one of the most solid rock bands in the States. The bands reputation has been building, along with its fan base, for over fifteen years, making the Foo Fighters genuine stadium rockers at this point. Sometimes good guys win.

After The Show: Expect a near-religious conversion into full fandom. You’ll be telling your friends to call upon the name Foo and ye shall be saved.

• Riverfront Times – link

Sinéad O’Connor has been back in the news lately, but it might not be for what you’d expect. Throughout her entire career, O’Connor has been fighting for one good cause after the last. She’s always outspoken against racism and censorship and she stresses the importance of the rights of children and women. She’s known for being brash, shocking and a little confusing. Here, we celebrate her rebellious streak with the some of top acts of deviant behavior committed by Miss O’Connor. Don’t worry, we’ll get to “the difficult brown.”

4. Sinéad vs. the Roman Catholic Church
Chances are that you know that Sinéad O’Connor was “the bald one.” If you remember anything else about her, it’s probably that she’s the bald one who ripped up a picture of Pope John Paul II on Saturday Night Live. In 1992, O’Connor was performing on the show as the musical guest, doing a cover of Bob Marley’s “War.” Instead of performing the song in the same hiccupy Jamaican style as the original, O’Connor’s version was a cappella, more like a solo spoken word poetry reading of the lyrics. At the end of the song (while singing the world “evil”) she held up a picture of JP2, ripped it up and said “fight the real enemy.” Yeah, that didn’t go over well. She later said that she intended the performance as a protest against the Catholic Church because she felt like the Vatican was responsible for covering up child sex scandals. Meanwhile, O’Connor claimed that she would want to be a priest if she wasn’t a singer, and was ordained in an independent church in 1999.

3. Sinéad vs. her audience
Sinéad was crucified in the media after her SNL performance. People were pissed. Sinéad also could not successfully explain her actions. This was a time before instant internet tabloids or Twitter feeds and the news moved much slower. And what were people to do, read her mind? All most of America heard was that she ripped up a picture of the Pope, which meant that, clearly, she was a horrible bitch. So, two short weeks later, she was scheduled to sing at a Bob Dylan tribute concert. As she took the stage, she was met with boos from the crowd. Lots of boos. Like, thousands of people booing her for more than two minutes, which is a hell of a long time to just calmly stand there on stage and take it. Still, she stood, with her hands clasped behind her and let them get it all out. Finally, there was a twinkle in her eye. She hushed her bandmates who were trying to start the song, asked for her microphone to be turned up, and jumped into an angry repeat performance of “War,” the same song she’d sang on SNL. Oh, snap! Sinéad has some serious balls, man.

2. Sinéad vs. Prince
O’Connor’s biggest hit was 1990′s “Nothing Compares 2 U.” If the spelling doesn’t already give it away, this song was written and performed by Prince. O’Connor’s version became an international hit, spending weeks atop the charts of multiple countries. Despite handing out his songs to many pop stars, Prince was reportedly resentful of Sinéad’s success with his song. (There have been rumors that he acted the same way with Cyndi Lauper after she bested his version of “When You Were Mine.”) It is not wise to mess with The Purple One; and Sinéad reported that the two came to blows over it. Sounds totally scary.

In another odd bit of Sinéad vs. Prince news, doesn’t the drawing shown at the very end of Prince’s 1984 video for “When Doves Cry” look just like Sinéad in the 1990 “Nothing Compares 2 U” video? Is Prince a psychic? Was Sinéad ripping him off? Does anybody else think this is weird?

1. Sinéad vs. her libido
Holy crap, Sinéad O’Connor is one dirty lady. Damn. She is really horny for some man weiner (well, she is a priest). She’s taken to updating her official web site with the things she is looking for in a lover. She is announcing that she is “desperate for sex” and that she’s not turning to a match-making service because she feels that word would get out anyway. She even threatens to hump on produce if she is not serviced soon.

My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners.

Some examples of what Sinéad’s is looking for:

• He must be no younger than 44.
• Must be living in Ireland but I don’t care if he is from the planet Zog.
• Must be blind enough to think I’m gorgeous.
• Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.
• I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.
• No hair gel.
• No hair dryer use.
• No hair dye
• Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.
• No after shave.
• Must be very ‘snuggly’. Not just wham-bam.
• Must be wham-bam.
• Has to live in own place.

She concluded this list with, “I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana.” Shit, girl! Calm yourself! Since this first post, she’s updated her website to say that she would also have sex with women and that she will not consider any man who is not into anal sex. Sinéad wrote, “I’ve been repeatedly asked will I ‘do anal sex’. Let me make it very clear.. Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex… I ‘do anal’ and in fact would be deeply unhappy if ‘doing anal’ wasn’t on the menu… So if u don’t like ‘the difficult brown’.. Don’t apply.”

The Difficult Brown?!? DAYUMN! That is deviant as hell! Sinéad, we salute you. We never know what deviant thing you’ll do next. Maybe you’ll do a show where you have anal sex with Prince and the Pope? Fingers crossed.

• Riverfront Times – link